Today I had my hysteroscopy. I tried to get to sleep early last night as I had to leave for the surgery center at 6:15 a.m. I think I got about 3 hours sleep. Anyway, I had to get Jack up early as well. Poor little guy. Mom picked us up and off we went. I cannot believe how nervous I was today. I was making myself nauseous. I checked in, then Mom and Jack left once they took me back. Prepping for the procedure, changing into my gown, getting on the gurney, then giving a medication and surgical history, I just started to cry. Today pales in comparison to what I've been through but it was like a flood of memories came back to me. They started my IV with fluids and then I met my anesthesiologist. The nurses were very nice and they all said that crying was no problem, so I did. I just layed there and cried. If I said 'mastectomy' once today, I feel like I said 50 times. I know they are just doing their job but everyone has to keep asking me the same questions and so I sounded like a broken record. Dr. Wheeler, my OBGYN, arrived. We briefly discussed the procedure to remove the polyps and aftercare. Then off I went...... I got my 'cocktail' and I was in la-la land.
I woke up about an hour or so later. Dr. Wheeler removed 3 polyps. They are getting biopsied and I'm sure all will be fine but I tend to hold my breath a bit until pathology comes back. Mom had dropped Jack off at my aunt and uncles house for the afternoon, so she was there when I woke up. I was so groggy but it soon wore off. I did need a shot for pain and cramping. As the nurse was getting me dressed she asked who did my other surgery because she has seen a lot of patients and she said they all commented at how good I look. I kinda laughed. I know that my LA doctors did an amazing job putting me all back together, but it's weird to have other medical staff comment. Since I still don't feel right I just said, "Thank you." She agreed that it will take me well over a year to "feel" like myself again. She pulled back the blankets and they were covered with blood and iodine. So gross, I can only imagine what the hell goes on in any surgery. ICK!
I've been home in bed all day and have not been able to sleep a wink. I get up and feel a bit dizzy so I just tweeted A LOT today. Feeling better tonight but cramping again. Mom has Lovey for an overnight so I'll try a Tylenol p.m. and hope for the best. I'm so used to having Jack with me and staying on our schedule that getting a day break really isn't a break because my internal clock is thinking about him all the time. But he had a fun day and he loves spending the night at 'Nanni's' house.
I got my take home instructions and obviously stay down, watch for excessive bleeding and cramping and fever and NO swimming for a week. "That's my thing," I said. Feel like I'm taking steps back again with regards to my exercise. I'll have to do something else next week...maybe just resume my walks.
Friday is my cousins viewing which I am not attending; but his memorial is Monday in Fallbrook and I will be there. My other cousin Diane, Jim's sister, flew into town so it'll be nice to see her. She too is BRCA2+ and had her mastectomy last year as well. SUCKS!!!!
On a lighter note, my amazing son is turning "3" on June 24. We are Disneyland bound AGAIN. He loves it; so do I and I LOVE him. Then a few weeks later, back into the swing of things with my EUS scheduled for July (hospital again). Then I still have to get back up to LA for boobie tattoos. I'm sure this summer will fly by.
So I've been blue today. Looking forward to a good night sleep.
"Change is the rule of life, nothing stays the same forever, everything will change, so accept this and enjoy the journey." -Spiritual Truths
Yeah, OK.....
Janeen
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Rise and Grind
A lot has happened since my last post. I was taking a break from doctors but knew I was taking more time off than I should, so I got back into it. I decided to deal with the polyps that were found as a result of my ultrasound in February. I have no symptoms but nonetheless they were found and I need to have them removed and make sure they are not cancerous. I also have my next EUS (esophageal ultrasound) scheduled to monitor my pancreas. So I'm back in it; not thrilled but have to keep plugging along.
Since my ultrasounds are looking good (ovaries in good shape) and my CA-125 remain "normal," I am buying time. I'm not ready to make the decision for a BSO, or possibly a full hysterectomy (depending on the results from the hysteroscopy from the polyps). It's such a difficult decision for me to make. In my last ultrasound the technician saw two eggs. It made me kind of sad. Clearly the decision to have more children is no longer an option but I'm not ready to finalize it. In the last few weeks I have seen two people who either have seen Jack or simply a picture and tell me, "You have to have another...Can you imagine a girl." And I think, yes, I can imagine it and my heart breaks. I think it's very bold for people to make such a comment to any woman, especially one in her 40's where the odds are already staked against her. Then I have this other variable to deal with. Rather than get into it, I usually say, "Oh we'll see." I will probably never get over the fact that my choices were taken away from me, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful boy and know that God blessed me with one amazing kid. The older Jack gets, he turns "3" in a few weeks, I know we were meant to be together. We make a good team. My love for Jack is beyond words. He is my heart.
Speaking of heart, in the midst of doctor appointments, Jack's preschool coming to an end for the summer, and other day to day activities, I lost my cousin Jim (Cuzzy J) on June 4 to a massive heart attack. He was a heavy smoker and never went to the doctor. He was just 53 years old. His daughter Erika graduates high school this week and then unfortunately has to bury her father a few days later. I'm still in shock and feel for my family that is trying to come to terms with Cuzzy's passing. He also left no will or trust and so it has become a very difficult situation. I loved my cousin but I wish he had taken better care of himself and had taken care of his affairs. I found this picture from March 2011 when we visited him at his home in Fallbrook.
Since my ultrasounds are looking good (ovaries in good shape) and my CA-125 remain "normal," I am buying time. I'm not ready to make the decision for a BSO, or possibly a full hysterectomy (depending on the results from the hysteroscopy from the polyps). It's such a difficult decision for me to make. In my last ultrasound the technician saw two eggs. It made me kind of sad. Clearly the decision to have more children is no longer an option but I'm not ready to finalize it. In the last few weeks I have seen two people who either have seen Jack or simply a picture and tell me, "You have to have another...Can you imagine a girl." And I think, yes, I can imagine it and my heart breaks. I think it's very bold for people to make such a comment to any woman, especially one in her 40's where the odds are already staked against her. Then I have this other variable to deal with. Rather than get into it, I usually say, "Oh we'll see." I will probably never get over the fact that my choices were taken away from me, but all I have to do is look at my beautiful boy and know that God blessed me with one amazing kid. The older Jack gets, he turns "3" in a few weeks, I know we were meant to be together. We make a good team. My love for Jack is beyond words. He is my heart.
Speaking of heart, in the midst of doctor appointments, Jack's preschool coming to an end for the summer, and other day to day activities, I lost my cousin Jim (Cuzzy J) on June 4 to a massive heart attack. He was a heavy smoker and never went to the doctor. He was just 53 years old. His daughter Erika graduates high school this week and then unfortunately has to bury her father a few days later. I'm still in shock and feel for my family that is trying to come to terms with Cuzzy's passing. He also left no will or trust and so it has become a very difficult situation. I loved my cousin but I wish he had taken better care of himself and had taken care of his affairs. I found this picture from March 2011 when we visited him at his home in Fallbrook.
*Cuzzy on the left, his daughter, my dad and little man Jack*
Rest In Peace Jim
In closing I always try to put in some relevant quotes. I found these two that I wanted to share.
"We all experience loss. While we may consider these losses as distressing life changes, everything we do is about growth." JVP
"No one can stop you doing anything, the choices you make are yours, and the consequences will be yours as well." ST
I figure when you're down or times are tough, make a list of all the blessings in your life; what you're grateful for. Look at it; reflect on it.
Remember, life is short and shit happens. Be well.
Janeen
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