If I could have written this post at 7:30 tonight at my 'Burn and Firm' class, I would be screaming....I'M SO EFFING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO HIT SOMEBODY AND I WANT TO HIT 'EM HARD.
I am trying so effing hard right now. You don't see all that I'm feeling, or all that I'm doing, or trying to do, you don't get what I have gone through and what I continue to go through. You don't know just how angry I can get or how many tears I STILL shed. I don't cry because of any poor me bullshit...I cry because I've had it. I just want to effing quit!!!!!!!! I do the simpliest task and it brings me to tears. Can't do a f-ing push-up, I CAN do 8 lame sit-ups, but still can't jump, can't run, can't twist....People say can't means won't. BULLSHIT!!!!! It's like God wants to absolutly break my will...break my spirit!!!! It's working. What the HELL is supposed to happen to me? DO I feel like a woman...NO. Do I feel feminine...NO. I feel like an old lady for christ sake that's trying to get back what has been taken away. I don't need a frickin pill or a group of other woman to sit and belly-ache with.....I JUST WANT TO QUIT!!!!!!! And I certainly don't need to date, go out and "have a good time" or meet a nice guy or hey, "try on-line dating" and anyone that even suggests it seriously doesn't get me. This journey SUCKS!!! My goal IS and always has been to be a strong woman and mother for Jack. So much of this BRCA crap has chipped away at me. I'm like 5% of the population. 5 frickin %. You don't just get surgery and then your all better! Expectations: Mine are clearly too high, maybe too much. Should I be happy with mediocre? NOT.
This post is for ME tonight. I have divulged a lot but there's still quite a bit I'm holding back on BUT tonight I've unleashed a bit of what I am REALLY feeling. I try to consider who's reading this. I try to be "PC" and watch my language. I try to be thankful and inspiring. F-it! Not tonight. I don't particularly care who reads this but it does come with a warning: CAUTION.
I don't really even know who or what I'm so pissed at....Maybe it's all the fear? The fear this thing will beat me down. These past years have been filled with fear for me. First, fear of dying and now fear of NOT fully recovering. I want to feel whole again and nobody can give this to me. If it wasn't for Jack I'd be in the biggest darkest hole right now. I pull it together for him. That boy has saved me in more ways than one. Should I find it ironic that he always tells me he's MY teacher? He says, "I will show you....I will teach you Mommy."
Go for it Lovey! Cause I'm outta steam right now.
The sun will come up tomorrow and I WILL try again. I hope to read this back to myself at some point and know I didn't quit! Though it sure sounded appealing tonight.
Deep breath in and out...wipe the tears away. In case you didn't know, today is day #333.
2 comments:
You are so allowed Janeen ....& you WILL read it back & know exactly as you say.....sometimes you just gotta vent.....& God IS right there with you...He only breaks what needs to go, what remains will be exactly what your journey as designed by Him was meant for....the true pure Gold in you, that will bring your ultimate joy......btw, gold has to go thru some narly Hott intense fire to become its brilliant self.....He loves you & has definitely not forsaken you, even though it may feel as such.....I am glad I ran into your blog...its in my search history as I was skimming & browsing...again, no accident!!....I am praying for you my friend...& I am so glad you do have Jack....be encouraged...you wrote this a few days ago...you may already be feeling different...& if not...that's ok!!!...just never ever give up!!
Luv u girl......hugs..truly
Renee :))
You reserve the right to be pissed off BUT you dont give yourself enough credit for what you are going thru and how much progress you have made Janeen and you need to. I know thats not like you - you are your harshest critic. You had a MAJOR surgery only a year ago. Dont worry about others and dating etc plleeaaasseee. Take care of you and Jack that is your priority and if I may so - your doing a damn great job!
This thing has not and will not break you. You are so strong Janeen. Not just for Jack - you are a strong woman with the will to get thru anything. I know that doesnt make it easier at all but I know many people going thru alot less who have quit.
You are not a quitter. Never have been, never will be.
You are a trooper, a survivor and an inspiration. You are going to have bad days, many of them unfortunately, but know I love you and you are in my prayers every night.
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