My check up last week went well and I sort of "graduated" as I do not have to go back now for 8 weeks. Apparently next is the tattooing. But again my scars look so red and fresh that I cannot image even putting a needle to them in 8 weeks. Not that I have an ounce of feeling, but it just looks too new, like I need more healing. So things are shrinking but of course the right side is way down because the graft oozed it's way out. Again, I have to keep my nipple protectors on, aka my donuts, and I will really try to be diligent for the next several months. I did get the OK to get back to the gym. For me this means swimming but I still haven't found a suit to accommodate the donuts and pads and I cannot have anything cling to me....so how do I do this in water? Still working on it. I've been sedentary for so long now any tone I thought I had is pretty much gone. Tough to get toned; easy to get flabby. My skin still feels quite foreign and tight and I itch like crazy, but I cannot get to the itch. It's internal and I scratch like I'm clawing myself and I can't get it. It's so frustrating as it can wake me up out of a sleep or can keep me up for hours. I know, I know....time!
Regarding my blog, I continue with this for various reasons. For friends and family to stay apprised of my progress because individual emails and calls can be tough to say the same thing over and over. And then I see the numbers climb so individuals besides family seem to be reading this, which I do have linked with my twitter account, so perhaps I have a few strangers reading about my journey. If you are one of these people and facing a similar challenge, I hope you can see that I am trying to remain true to myself and speak my truth. This hasn't been easy at all but if I can do this, I would like to know you can too. Lastly, I blog for me. Sometimes it's like my journal. I don't think I will ever forget this experience but I also don't want to forget the details. When I go back and look at entries early on, it's quite emotional and cathartic for me. I want to always remember but want to make sure this does not become a badge for me. You know, just one more thing for me to hang my hat on. We've all been dealt very difficult blows in life but what defines us? Who would you be without your story of pain? Sometimes I feel like it's all consuming for me, whether it be childhood/adolescent experiences that as a result I chose to check out from living and just existed for years. Then I had my baby and it's like I saw things through fresh eyes once again. Colors were brighter, smells were sweeter, sounds became melodic. My son changed my life for the better. Everything my mom ever said to me finally made sense. Struggles and adversity washed away and I discoveed a newfound happiness. Then this all hit me. Why? I keep saying, "what's the lesson?" I think I know it...deep down. For so long I wanted my doctors to play God and give me definitive time lines that cancer would appear. I was pissed off that this was NOT my plan. I have felt completely broken through this process but I still hold on to the notion that I am in control here. And yet what is this blog called....Janeen's Journey As Designed By GOD. I have no control over any of this. How can I be so grateful and bitter at the same time? I can't...the two do not go together. I also feel conflicted because if I have faith then why am I still so scared? I find weakness in "letting go." If I let this go and just be, then I have to let everything else go. I believe I must go through this to become the person God has intended for me to be. Pain is pain, it's just how we each decide to deal with it. My scars, I could really care less about, but it's certainly a daily reminder. So I guess I will continue to blog if for nobody else, me. And I will continue to heal both physically and emotionally. I may have said most of this before but again, it's my reminder.
Again here are some great quotes to end on tonight:
@Oprah_World: There is a lesson in almost everything that you do, and getting the lesson is how you move forward. It is how you enrich your spirit.
@JulieFrancella: Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...but you will still have to make the effort to shift your thinking and embrace the struggle.
@JamesVanPraagh: Happy am I, healthy am I, holy am I. Let these words sink into your mind and heart.
And so it is.......Janeen
